I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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