You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
