I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Randomize
