I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
