last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
