No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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