There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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