so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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