highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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