can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
