if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
