Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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