Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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