She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
