I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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