Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
