peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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