Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
