I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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