I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm always down for nudity.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
