there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I smell stomach acid.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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