I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i love accidental penises.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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