If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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