I accidentally burped into my bong.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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