The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
