So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
