Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
