Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
