we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize