this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
