apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I miss vodka workout Fridays
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
