Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
