i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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