Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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