She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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