Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
