having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
