bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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