I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
