I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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