And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
