Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
