So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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