Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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