Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
