very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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