hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
