It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
