im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
