He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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