lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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