Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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