There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
