Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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