You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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