I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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