btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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