Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
