i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
don't judge my taste in strippers
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
