My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just threw up on my dentist
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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