if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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